Clean Up This Mess

Daily, I think to myself, “How did I get into this mess?”  I thought that would be my reaction after having ‘Rado, but it really seems to pertain to everything except him.  It’s nice how the thing that I feared the most, the thing that gave me the most anxiety, is the thing that keeps me going every day.  And still gives me the most anxiety.  “This mess” could be making a recipe far too advanced for my skills, commuting to a job I don’t love, or trying to untangle all of my wires because I feel like I’m short circuiting way more often than usual. I’m not a third-person speaker, but there is probably at least one moment each day where I say to myself, “Really, Jojo?  Really?”  Saying those words can be soothing, though.  I often say them critically, but they relax my mind and bathe it in a this-is-no-biggie-this-type-of-stuff-happens-to-you-all-the-time glow.  Familiarity, regardless of the circumstances, does make hard things easier.

So I’m trying to get more familiar with my life as it has been for the past few months since moving back to my hometown.  There are many parts of me that are unfamiliar, and those parts surface in the most familiar places – at my parents’ house, driving down streets I grew up on, or in the company of my family.  Just when I think I’m safe, I start asking myself, “What about this part of you?  And this part?  Is this really you?  Is this right?”  But this is good.  These questions need to be asked because no part of us is ever really exactly the same.  Moods change us, experiences change us, a bad experience with sushi can change us even in the most minute way.  I find it hard to learn something every day (I still blame baby brain on that one).  The thing I can do, though, is keep asking myself questions every day until I learn something worth knowing.  I find it easier to do something by asking myself what would happen if I didn’t do it as opposed to telling myself to just do it.  I’m passively active like that.

Despite a little bout with a virus, ‘Rado has been actively active.  So much so that we’re still working on catching him up on sleep after a long and awesome Easter weekend with the family.  He was happy to be enjoying the sun today and mauling the few flowers that have popped up:

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Last Friday before getting to work, ‘Rado and I had some camera time at home:

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This weekend I even got a picture of us out in public!

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