I Have to Tell You Something

I’m going to tell you something that Facebook doesn’t know, that former collegues don’t know, and that I haven’t told anyone by email: I’m pregnant (second child, I wish you the best of luck).  Why spill such big beans here?  Well, we’ve told our families face-to-face, I have a backed-up email list I haven’t even attempted to tackle, and I’m not ready for it to be FB fodder now if at all.  Sometimes it’s easier to perform for a crowd of strangers than it is for your close family and friends. (If I know you on Facebook, please keep this information off timelines and news feeds. Thanks!)

I feel like I should be more excited about this baby, but I’m rounding out my first trimester and am still wondering how good of an idea this whole second-child thing was.  Z and I talked about having a second child (I’m doing everything in my power not to call him/her “Baby Number 2”) then decided that we should stop trying for a bit.  Next thing I know, bam!  Four positive pregnancy tests within three days (I wanted to be really sure I was carrying this kid) with the first test with a plus sign laying on our bathroom counter on Mother’s Day.  This thing, this kid, is happening.  I’ve had two doctor’s appointments and next month we’ll find out if Connor will have a little sister or a little brother. 

My mind and body are very disoriented from all of this.  Ask me how I’m feeling and I’ll mention some light nausea and my ravenous appetite, then I’ll launch into an unprovoked confession about how I feel guilty for being pregnant.  Connor is growing and learning at warp speed and in January I will completely rock his world in ways that no books or parenting magazine tips could ever prepare him for.  I’ll be taking part of myself away from him to allocate time for pumping, breastfeeding, washing bottles, and tending to the unpredictable wants of a newly-christened family dictator.  Don’t get me wrong, I cherish the true infant days we had with ‘Rad, but I can only do so because I am past them.  Then again, the situation now is very different from what it was back then.  I think this baby my have to endure more prenatal stress than ‘Rado did, but we will all benefit from being so close to immediate family once we bring our new little love home.  I’m banking on their support.

I’m not alone in my second-child guilt. A very close friend told me how she knew she was in labor but didn’t tell anyone until the last minute because she knew doing so would change her daughter’s life forever.  Another friend said she felt the same way about losing time with her first child when she had her second one on the way.  The guilt isn’t selective, but I’ve also learned that it’s not permanent.  I’m anticipating a difficult transition into big brotherhood for ‘Rado, but I’m looking forward to how much the experience will ground him and all of us; he won’t be the sole apple of our eyes and we will all learn to be better and more patient and generous for it. 

The mental struggle rages on as it always does. Knowing the baby’s gender will help me a lot, though. It helped me bond a lot with Connor when I was preggo with him. It may sound like I feel this baby to be a huge mistake, but I don’t. I just question my ability to juggle this life plus a new baby very gracefully. Money and all that junk may have a little to do with it, too. But, as I’ve heard over and over and as I truly believe, if we waited for the perfect moment to have a second child, we would never have one. You have to dive right in, friends.

The other side of the second baby coin is the physicality of being pregnant with your second child. Disclaimer: If you know me personally and want to keep a certain image of me, please stop reading here. For real. My big issues these days is peeing. I don’t have trouble going pee, I just do it too much and at inappropriate times. In the few months I’ve been pregnant I’ve had to full on change my underwear twice because of – as they say about naughty cats and dogs – inappropriate urination. For example, Z participated in the Relay For Life at the beginning of June. I took Connor down to the high school football field to visit him since we wouldn’t see him until the next afternoon. We took a few laps around the track and everything was fine. Connor and I headed back to the car, I buckled him in his car seat, and as I was preparing to load up the stroller the sudden need to pee hit me. I was too far from the school to head back, but it wouldn’t have mattered anyway because as much as I gritted my teeth and clenched, I peed myself in my old high school parking lot at the age of 32. It was a real bucket list moment for me. I couldn’t stop it, so all I could do was make sure no one could see my uncomfortable face and the wet spot that was certainly spreading on the bottom of my shorts. Thank god for my long shirt and the towel we keep in the car for the dog. I told Z about it when he got home and he didn’t believe it. How could a sober grown woman just piss herself in a parking lot? Well, now we know how.

Luckily, an untamed bladder has been the worst of it. Right now I’m in the stage of pregnancy where I just feel gross because I look tired and overweight before the pregnancy “glow” dawns. I’m always hungry and at 13 weeks have gained four pounds (after the holiday weekend that’s probably looking more like 8-10 pounds). I’m trying to not carry Connor around as much as usual but it’s difficult for both of us. I’m also pretty tired. More TMI and second-baby feelings to come. I’ll try to get some of those vacay pictures up, too.

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3 thoughts on “I Have to Tell You Something

  1. I’m catching up…congrats!!! And oh my and a whole barrage of other thoughts! Miss you and conversations and girl time like crazy. You’ve got this…it will all come together… 🙂 Love and hugs to ALL of you!

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  2. I stumbled upon your blog website on google and look a few of your current early content. Continue to keep the very good work. I just additional up your RSS feed to my personal MSN Information Reader. Searching for forward to looking at more by you later on!

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  3. Pingback: Baba-Free Since 7-20-13! | crushedcorn

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