Today I Failed and It Was Good

I knew there was a reason for my griping.  Whenever things get to a head from me holding them in, they inevitably get better when I let them out.  It’s the truth-telling.  As crazy as it may make me feel and possibly even sound, letting out all those feelings – all that tumult and mud – is the surest way to start feeling better and moving on.  It’s ironic that I continue to hold things in and let them get to a head instead of letting the crazy/angry/frustration out bit by bit.

I started the weekend by meeting up with an old friend.  In true Jojo fashion, I expected to be done with dinner and catching up before Connor’s bedtime.  Oh no no no.  We met up at 6:30pm and left around 10:00pm when the restaurant was closing and after being asked by our waitress numerous times if there was anything else she could get for us.  I put my dear boy to sleep and fell asleep happily drained, feeling validated, and understood.

On Saturday we got our new front door and Z and his dad spent the day (day 1 of ?) installing it.  Connor watched some cartoons, then we walked around the neighborhood looking for a slide for him to play on.  We found one at the nearby middle school.  Actually, we found three there.  I don’t know how many times he came down the big tunneled twisty slid, got up, and ran back to the ladder saying, “Do ‘gain!” It was a lot.  During his 2+ hour nap (parenting win) my sister got to town with her boys and we chatted until ‘Rad awoke.  We did a few things around town, hung out at Mom and Papa’s house, then Connor and I came home in preparation for today.

What’s the big deal with today, you ask?  Oh my friends, today was the day of reckoning; today was the day of my organic chemistry final.  We performed our usual Sunday morning family ritual (breakfast in the living room while watching CBS Sunday Morning), but then Grandma picked Connor up while Z and his dad spent the day (day 2 of ?) working on the front door and I hunkered down for my four-hour final.  And you know what?  I used up every second of my test time and failed.  I failed the test and I failed the class.  I cried about it, but I’m not ashamed of it.  It happened, and it sucks, but it’s done and I’ve learned that I can move on and live with that mark on my record.  It’s out of the way now, like the first fall of the season in snowboarding.  I didn’t fall apart, my parents didn’t decide to love me less, Z didn’t leave me, and Connor and Blue boy really couldn’t have a clue less.  I truly did my best on that exam so there’s nothing left for me to regret.  And even if there is, regrets are poison.  Time to move on.  As one of my favorite blogs posted on FB today:

Today wasn’t my best day. I woke with good intentions, but then I started numbing out with food and forgot to ARISE from that. I stayed numb and disengaged from my people – which means that now I feel yucky. BUT: NO PROBLEM. It happens. And the beauty of life is that tomorrow is brand new. I WILL BE BRAND NEW TOMORROW! AMAZING! This quote is a Momastery fave- and tonight it’s for all my friends who forgive themselves for today and look forward to tomorrow. Love. 

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” RW Emerson

There will be plenty of other battles to fight tomorrow and in the future.  But for the time being I’m glad that organic chemistry isn’t one of them.  I’ll tackle that beast again, but it will be 2014 before we get in the ring together next.  I’m looking forward to going to bed because I do love the newness of tomorrow.  It’s not often easy to give ourselves a clean slate in the middle of the day.  After the sun sets and rises again, though, I have no trouble giving myself all the breaks in the world.

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