Just Showing Up

There is a lot of negativity in the air these days. I’m getting rained on by a lot of storm clouds at work, finding things I see as innocuous as offensive, and noticing extra cynicism welling up in my world’s view. I’m tired of it. I’ve been thinking about the phrase, “Just show up” as a solution. If I do that, if I work to be present in each moment, can I get past my hang ups and those of others? The bigger question is, Can I realistically expect myself to be able to get past my own hard judgements and be present sans the baggage I carry into each day? Some people are addicted to alcohol or cigarettes. I’m addicted to judging people. If that is taken away from me, I’ll have to face myself and my weakest weaknesses and that sounds just awful since I try to shove those under the rug every day. I think of myself as an optimist, but even that is a form of protection in some cases. I’ve admitted that I have a problem, what’s the next step?

I had a doctor’s appointment today. By the start of next month I’ll be 35 weeks along. Holy balls. Mom and I sorted through some infant clothes tonight and this morning I talked to Connor about his little brother once he’s outside of my belly. I feel simultaneously fragile and pugilistic right now, but I have a strong inkling that that cracked casing will give way to a tough, honest, loving (after – or maybe while- being exhausted, frustrated, and overwhelmed) interior and exterior. When it comes down to it, I just want my insides to match my outsides. Consistency – they preach it in child-rearing books but it’s hard enough to achieve, children aside. I’m just waiting for Little Pea to arrive, for my hormones to regulate, and to figure out what life will be like with two little dudes. Tidy way to put off figuring out life right now, don’t you think?

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